Adam Y's English Journal

One of the most best thing that Morris gleitzman does in his writing is use humour in bad situations like if someone had cancer.he uses humour in his novel “two weeks with the queen”.”the businessman shifted in his seat and gave another grunt of pain.’is that a bit of cancer?’asked collin.the businessman stared at him.’i beg your parden?’.”morris gleitzman uses humour in this sentence because

Morris Gleitzman communicates his idea that to tell every one that you should be more with your friends and familys even though there in risk of death.morris also used a loved gay couple called griff and ted and they showed love to Collin thats why colin went back to his brother to enjoy the last couple of seconds.

Colin changed his attitude because when he realised that Luke had cancer Collin started to think more about Luke than him self,when he meets a young man called ted he
thinks that he has to work with what’s he got…

“All I’ve got is draggy shoes this Christmas”

Collin started the novel with a selfish attitude now he has changed into thinking about his brother.

Collin changed from the start of the book till the end,this is how it all happened basically at the start of the book colin was spoilt and cared about his self and only about him self.he was selfish and greedy in till he meet a friend called Ted before i could tell you that story i have to tell you that story i have to tell you this story Luke got cancer and Collin got sent to England to live with Aunty iris and Uncle Bob.

1)do you see with your eyes or do you use your heart?
2)how can you ran while being blind?
3)what goes through your head while you run?

1)how do you run while being blind?
2)how many medals have you won?
3)what is it like to be a champ?
4)what expired you to become a Paralympic runner?
5)what was childhood like?

Strengths:

This story clearly demonstrates that you have taken a lot of notice of the ways that dystopian authors create suspense by using sensory description and by keeping information from their reader. You have also worked very hard to respond to the advice you were given to make your tense (present) and viewpoint (first person) consistent throughout the piece.

You’ve also successfully incorporated a wide range of the grammar techniques that we have studied.

Advice:

Now that you are writing complex sentences and using subordinating conjunctions – the next step for you is to learn how to use punctuation to clearly show where the different parts of the sentence are. Mostly a subordinate clause needs to have a comma before and after it.

Another area for work is your sentence structuring. You tend to run your sentences together, or connect them using commas rather than full-stops. At this stage my advice is for you to be conservative, and when in doubt, make it a complete sentence.

Advanced Advice

A deeper challenge is for you to get your writing to read more fluently. While there are many specific technical approaches that we can look into, initially I’d encourage you to read your writing aloud to someone – you’ll be amazed how when you do that you discover the anomolies that make it slightly difficult to read.

Here is your original piece with detailed annotations to read: