It is the year 2099 were there are not only humans in earth ,there’s now robots trying to take over if we give up.There is a new atmosphere in earth. Hovercrafts flying over you in the sapphire sky also cars flying on there own like birds busy looking for food.Normally it was a friendly place to be unless the dark over ran you at night.The silver ,robotic ,tech robot’s are filled with tubes but instead of h20 going through the vains of the robot it was actually r20 which was a type of liquid that helps the robot to breath .I have lost control of these amazing creatures and now there used as a weapon against us .The robots hide out is a unpleasant place to be.It is a hotel for micro organism (five stars). People who go in never come out alive. I lost my family and I won’t lose the world I will dedicate my life for this important mission. Above me are stars which glitter in my eyes like silver shining at the sun.”Are we ready “exclaimed the man with great confidence and bravely .finally we unleash the fury out of the armoured car and run with great velocity to wards the evil robots.at first I was extremely terrified one of our men were injured and almost about to get finished of by the silver tech weapon but at the speed of light i jumped into the way and hit the robot with the spear.The injured man out of the way.
November 23, 2012 at 12:42 pm
I’m seeing some clear evidence that you are making some deliberate use of the new grammar skills we have been working on. Sometimes this is effective, sometimes it is still going to need some work.
For now, I would focus on getting the whole draft done and then we can go back and look at the individual parts that need work in detail.
I’m enjoying your writing greatly, Adam,
Thank you
Mr Waugh
November 30, 2012 at 4:09 pm
Two things to look into:
1) Tense. If one sentence is in the past tense (which means that the verbs all talk about the past: ran, ate etc) then the other sentences usually must stay in the past too.
2) viewpoint. Try to stick either to first or third person but not oscillate between these states..
Let me know if you need more help with this
Mr Waugh