Strengths:
This story clearly demonstrates that you have taken a lot of notice of the ways that dystopian authors create suspense by using sensory description and by keeping information from their reader. You have also worked very hard to respond to the advice you were given to make your tense (present) and viewpoint (first person) consistent throughout the piece.
You’ve also successfully incorporated a wide range of the grammar techniques that we have studied.
Advice:
Now that you are writing complex sentences and using subordinating conjunctions – the next step for you is to learn how to use punctuation to clearly show where the different parts of the sentence are. Mostly a subordinate clause needs to have a comma before and after it.
Another area for work is your sentence structuring. You tend to run your sentences together, or connect them using commas rather than full-stops. At this stage my advice is for you to be conservative, and when in doubt, make it a complete sentence.
Advanced Advice
A deeper challenge is for you to get your writing to read more fluently. While there are many specific technical approaches that we can look into, initially I’d encourage you to read your writing aloud to someone – you’ll be amazed how when you do that you discover the anomolies that make it slightly difficult to read.
Here is your original piece with detailed annotations to read:
React!